sharing

I have never been the type of person who shared a lot of intimate or personal details about myself, or any deep feelings etc. I can't really think of any particular reason for this - I don't recall any situations where I was deeply hurt because of this. I guess I am just not that type of person. I have had many close friends during the years, some who I am still in some contact with, some from whom I guess could be said I have moved on from, a couple I know I can count on no matter when last it is we spoke. I do not have a lot of friends, my time is generally spent with my family (meaning my husband and child) and a few friends. Seems also I have the knack to become friends with people who either live really far, or who move away at some point. My husband is very similar. There are times I wish it were different, but mostly I am happy and it does not bother me.

At the end of last year I started sessions with a life coach - mainly for work, but obviously my personal life is also a big part of our discussions. Actually most of our sessions up to now has focused on personal issues rather than being solely work focussed. From the start it has been hard, because I find it so hard to share or talk about certain things. Some of the sessions have been great though, and often she makes comments or observations about me that are spot on. Recently we had a session after some time, and following the health issues I have had. When I go into these sessions I always "tread lightly", I am the type of person that will never accidently share more than I want. (And if you have any secrets to share I can assure you that the chances of me breaking you trust is very slim, really it would never happen) She made such a true observation, that I use information to distance myself from things - so for instance when I was diagnosed with diabetes I gathered a load of information but used this to make it a separate entity in a way from me. That way I do not need to "feel". I have done this with the fertility treatments, and now I am doing it with the sarcoidosis diagnosis. Sometimes I feel that I do not have the right to feel, or that somehow I need to do something to earn that right or deserve it. Same with when I don't feel well, I tend to ignore it or try justify it somehow, and feel that I don't have the right to for instance feel tired. In a way - always put others first, and I could go on... It sounds odd I know, I mean why (and how) would someone need to earn the right to be sick...

I have had amazing experiences in my life, I have, and still do, love deeply, I have laughed so hard it hurt, and cried just as hard too. Sometimes I think that I am so afraid of rejection or hurt to become too close or share too much. But sometimes I think it is making me miss out on so much.