Tuesday, May 25, 2010

motivated to be unmotivated

While I was pregnant the thought of my maternity leave - which was six months, seemed like an eternity.  After all, 6 months is half a year - HALF a YEAR!!  I thought that I would have time to not only spend time and see to my boy, but also for all these other things.  In fact, I thought it would be that long that I would actually get bored...

But it wasn't.  In fact, when I returned to work it took only a few days to feel as though I was never away.  And while so much remained exactly the same, I have realised that just as much has changed.  I work in a fast changing industry, so what was relevant before I started my leave no longer is.  And to be honest, during my leave I did not keep myself that much abreast with the news in the industry.  Our company, like many other large organisations restructure often.  During my leave our department/division has remained in it's directorate, we still have the same director, but the way in which work is done has changed so much.  So after my meeting now I feel very motivated to be unmotivated. 

A weekend or two ago I actually contemplated leaving - well, the "idea" of it anyway.  And to be honest if we could afford that right now I would be thinking about it more seriously.  Not so much to be home with my son, but to be doing something different.  I love what I do - or I did, I still do, but I just feel that things have changed so much, and I am not sure it is what I "like".  And so I can go on rambling....

Is it because of the life changing event??  I think it has a lot to do with how I am feeling at the moment.  having a child really does change a lot - the way you look at EVERYTHING.  More than I expected - I am sure I have said this before though...

So - if I were more "crafty", entrepreneurial, or something....  Now that would have been nice.  But I guess in that respect it is just finding "me", right?

So am I happy?  I am, and I am still okay with coming to this job every day.  But I feel like something is missing.  I no longer feel the loyalty I used to feel.  But for now this is it...


Saffy said... Best Blogger Tips

Maybe you could think of this time as a paid opportunity to reflect on where to next? Is there some kind of maternity bonus for returning? If so, is there a time frame on that? i.e. do you need to hold out for another few months? At least you're happy :) And agreed, 6 months seemed like it was 'forever' and in the old world it was. Not now huh? ;)

sweets said... Best Blogger Tips

Yeah Saffy - I need to stay for at least 6 months at the company, otherwise I would need to "pay back" the maternity leave. But I have decided to take this time to reflect, keep an eye out for anything else inside the organisation that may be of interest. And if nothing, will see how things are in a few months and take it from there.

Saffy said... Best Blogger Tips

Wise move :)